What is Co-Regulation?
The term “self-regulation” will likely be familiar to parents, it’s the idea that we are able to manage our own emotional state & behaviors within an appropriate threshold. Sounds easy right? Not so fast, self-regulation is a tricky skill that is constantly developing. Often people mistake self-regulation for calm, this isn’t always the case. Self-regulation is ultimately our ability to regulate our response to incoming stressors. This can be hard for adults, so just imagine how hard it might be for our littles ones, whose nervous systems are still developing?
So what does it look like for our kiddos when they are unable to regulate on their own? Well you have all seen it. The massive temper tantrums in the middle of Target, the uncontrollable sobbing, flailing arms and legs. You get the picture. Or it may look the opposite, your child may appear to be disengaged, avoid social contact or show little affection. The ability to self-regulate is further complicated by past trauma or diagnosed disabilities.
By now you may be asking yourself, “okay, okay so what am I supposed to do when my child can’t self regulate?” Cue co-regulation, the process by which you, the regulated adult, get to share your nervous system with your child. Sounds pretty weird right? I agree, but trust me it works. Co-regulation acts as a template we hand our kids. By modeling regulation for our kiddos it becomes their guide on how to manage tough situations. Over time they will internalize new templates that can be adapted to meet new demands across the lifespan. Essentially we will have given our children a manual on emotional regulation.
So, how is it that we do this whole co-regulation business? I’m glad you asked. You may be thinking that this all sounds very complicated. The good news is there are lots of great ways you can help your child. I’ve laid out some ways for you to start below. Go ahead, next time your little person is coming undone give them a try.
Breath (Model this for your child)
Get their body moving (think jumping jacks or dance party)
Name it to tame it (name what it is they appear to be experiencing, i.e. “it looks like you are really disappointed right now.”
Help them name their bodily sensations
Use a calm tone of voice and empathetic language to convey emotional safety
Stay present in the moment with your child (don’t try to reason when they are dysregulated, this comes later)
